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quechianWe went back to where we'd hidden the backpack, and Jack and Cor went to return it. The rest of us went back to the path to wait. While we waited, Thymelixsen worked with his threads, May prayed, and I kept watch. After a little while, something seemed familiar, off in one particular direction, though it wasn't noticeably different than any other part of the forest. I walked that way a bit, but didn't want to get out of sight of the other two, especially since I was the one on watch. I looked back at them, and it felt like I was looking out of the familiar into what I expected. I heard something like a sound of motion with clinking and clacking, muffled, from farther on in the familiar direction. It might have been travelers, over a hill. Except that there are no hills in this forest.
I heard Jack and Cor coming back, and that broke the sense of the familiar, so I went back to the others.
Jack said that the workers had been looking for the backpack, so they decided to put it in the wrong hut.
I mentioned what had happened with the sense of the familiar, and Cor suggested it might be the edge. We talked about how that could be, and how it had happened. Perhaps it was because I was, essentially, alone? May said that it sounded like learning to make frames, how you have to be relaxes and not thinking hard about it, to have it work.
That inspired Thymelixsen to try meditating to find that state. While he did that, he lent me a book on meditation so I could learn more about it. Cor and Jack took time to pray, and May went up the road to keep watch, leaving Thymelixsen and I alone enough, theoretically, for this to work again. I used the exercises the book gave for meditation, which was interesting, but didn't get me back to that sense of the familiar.
So instead, I tried watching again, looking for movement in the forest as I had before. And that worked.
The sense of the familiar returned, and I headed in that direction, dragging my staff to leave a trail showing where I'd gone. Oddly, it felt as if I were going uphill, and it got more and more steep until I needed my hands to go up. I put the staff away so I could climb. I went on, knowing I needed to be quiet, and started recognizing the ferns and oak-like trees on either side. There were jutting rocks up ahead, and I had a vague memory of a forest I'd been in before, a sense of deja vu. I climbed up to the lip and looked over, to see what was making the sounds. And realized I was wearing my leather armor, not the metal armor, and had gloves with hooks on the back on my hands. I felt I was climbing into a memory washing over me.
I heard sounds on my right, and saw Orashura there, her fur painted black and green, as was I, presumably for camouflage. I smiled, and she smiled back, and pointed with her ear. I looked over the edge onto loaded wagons at a camp, the whole party Elixen. There were trees above, a steep embankment below, and mountains in the distance. We looked down together. She said quietly "Look at them all. I can taste them from here." The appeared to be loading the wagons, breaking up camp. She looked up at me, asking me if I was all right. "I'm not sure," and she signaled me away from the edge. That question was odd, taking me away from my memory, and the sense of deja vu shattered because of it.
She asked me again what was wrong, and I said that time was folding. She said, "You've been talking to those death people. Smell!" I tried smelling, but couldn't smell anything unusual. She took off one of my gloves to try to hold my hand, and was shocked away, falling back with flames burning her hands. She started licking them, and they started healing. She asked me what that was, and I said I didn't know, though I was starting to have a much better idea...
We retreated from the edge, and she was swift. I was having a hard time; she came back to help me walk down the hill, propping me against a rock. I realized we were in the western Elix kingdom, and this must be before the other time I'd made contact with this former self: Sha is less adept, and we are not yet lovers. It also explains why she is so surprised, and was so much less so before: that was previous for me, but future for her. (Also, that time, I'd been traveling along with past-self, while it sounded like she came here wholly as well. This time I was fully there, not just a rider.)
I realized that the truth would be problematic, making me sound even more crazed, and there likely wasn't time anyway. So I lied and said that I was fighting a spirit. Sha asked if she could help, and I said no. She asked if she should go back? Yes. And get my companion? Yes. She bounded up and away on all fours.
Now that I was alone, I focused on trying to sync up with myself. There might be guards and such set by the spiritualists, so I was careful to avoid where they might be. I looked down, and tried to remember where I came up. I looked out, and sensed where I am. I felt like I was with myself, then panicked, with struggle, and blood, and felt hot, and something rushing, and then I was back in the spiral wood, beyond the Veil, lying on my side, my companions nearby.
I went back to the group, and Cor still wasn't back from scouting, while the others were still involved in whatever they were doing. I tried to think why, both the mechanics of how this had happened and why it had happened then, what I might have learned from that then, that I might need to know now, as I would have had it been a vision from the Father.
I told Thymelixsen about it, and he convinced me to try again with him, to try to go to the edge. We followed the track I'd made, and stopped at the end of it (which was just as flat as the rest of the forest, of course).
I started to think about going back, and saw a slender human woman with long blond hair, like the one Thymelixsen had described. She talked with me. She said that I hadn't finished tying myself together yet.
I asked about how I could reconcile the opposites of my life (blessed of the Mighty and the Healer being fairly opposite, after all), and she said that once one gets far enough away, it wouldn't seem like me after all. My not-me is just closer to me. My not-me can still be in my flesh. This flesh, that she has now, is new and different. Once I get far enough, I'll be her. (Which ties in with what Thymelixsen described, too.)
I asked her name, and she seemed amused, saying that most people never asked that, but giving the name Murr, for now.
Everything will fall together. At the edge, we can be whole, all together, and have access to everything. The me of now or the me of will be will come together. She did some looking through, almost reading.
She said, "There was a time when there was you. It was not a big time, but I found some I remembered. Once separate from that," (she poked me) "I'm easier to find."
I started to say, "If that is my path," and she laughed, saying that it was the path that I am on, that she dreamed, or remembered, it already, so that is not the choice, whether it is my path or not.
She told me that what had happened, the contact I'd had, was about winding in the thread of myself until it was all together, rather than leaving it spread out. Once I could see all of me at once, the thread all wound up and pulled out of time, it would be entertaining to see me. This seemed to be a different thread than the kind Thymelixsen is learning to use, in that it spreads out backward, a thread of my time before.
She said that she could feel the thread pulling over the edge, that this was a constant pull. There would be some time that she would go over the edge (she remembered or dreamed that already), and said that it wasn't the end, since she still remembered (or dreamed) that she felt a bit of her self afterward, after falling off the edge.
It was very confusing talking to her, with all the lack of time. She said something about me and Thymelixsen using the threads of May and Jack, which I didn't care for. And there was something about rolled threads versus unrolled threads.
At some point I think I asked why she was talking with me now, and she said that there was part of her, that was me, that told the now-her I needed to talk. Which got me thinking about how part of her might be a bit of rainbow, especially given how keen she was for everything all together in the ways the rainbows seem to have. The rainbow taint in me called to the rainbow whole of her, or the her that is most of everything, something like that. Which had me more distrustful, and wanting to be careful with my words.
She talked more about the whole of everything, and I asked about the role the bionlear played in all of this. She said that the bionlear was not caught up in this, that it stands apart. It cast shadows through the worlds; we'd think we were seeing the bionlear, but it would just be a shadow of the true bionlear. It is whole, and then there are all of us, separate from the bionlear's whole.
She also talked about how there was no need for time, with everything all together.
[I am so sure I have forgotten some of the conversation; it was so confusing and happened so quickly.]
I had to focus somehow to return to the others, when it was time for her to leave. I don't remember quite what I did, but found myself back with Thymelixsen, who appeared not to notice any lapse in time at all.
I told him that I'd seen the woman he'd seen before, rather than the two of us going back into the familiar (which I suspected wouldn't work, anyway: not only had it happened only when I had been functionally alone, it seemed unlikely that he could go back into my memories unless we'd met before. Which is possible, of course, but less likely. I'm not sure whether he would have known a blessed of the Mighty, and that seems to be the time I go back to now (though perhaps once I have integrated that, I would go to other times instead?)). My guess that the reason it has not happened to him is that he has gone into the trees fewer times.
He'd said before that she'd called herself an edgewalker, and we keep being warned about edgewalkers who would do us harm when at the edge. She doesn't talk about that (and presumably wouldn't want that, quite, if she is us), but if she is the rainbow-hole of me and Thymelixsen and others (like Jack saw a him-hole on the other side), then she's still after things I do not want to give. It feels like she wants me to remember these parts of myself, integrate them, and then become part of the all that is rainbow. (I wonder what would happen if I were to become one with the all before having all parts of myself? Not that I want to try the experiment...) Which makes me think I should resist remembering the past-me, as is proper. Except that perhaps the strength I had is something I'll need to find my way back to our root? I'm so confused.
Oh, also, I remember last time this touching the past happened, Tek Tek Turka scanned me afterward, and found I was noticeably more rainbow than before, which likely should have kept me from exploring this more. It ties in with Murr being of the rainbow persuasion, too. Which would suggest that this is not the path I want to find the edge in myself.
I heard Jack and Cor coming back, and that broke the sense of the familiar, so I went back to the others.
Jack said that the workers had been looking for the backpack, so they decided to put it in the wrong hut.
I mentioned what had happened with the sense of the familiar, and Cor suggested it might be the edge. We talked about how that could be, and how it had happened. Perhaps it was because I was, essentially, alone? May said that it sounded like learning to make frames, how you have to be relaxes and not thinking hard about it, to have it work.
That inspired Thymelixsen to try meditating to find that state. While he did that, he lent me a book on meditation so I could learn more about it. Cor and Jack took time to pray, and May went up the road to keep watch, leaving Thymelixsen and I alone enough, theoretically, for this to work again. I used the exercises the book gave for meditation, which was interesting, but didn't get me back to that sense of the familiar.
So instead, I tried watching again, looking for movement in the forest as I had before. And that worked.
The sense of the familiar returned, and I headed in that direction, dragging my staff to leave a trail showing where I'd gone. Oddly, it felt as if I were going uphill, and it got more and more steep until I needed my hands to go up. I put the staff away so I could climb. I went on, knowing I needed to be quiet, and started recognizing the ferns and oak-like trees on either side. There were jutting rocks up ahead, and I had a vague memory of a forest I'd been in before, a sense of deja vu. I climbed up to the lip and looked over, to see what was making the sounds. And realized I was wearing my leather armor, not the metal armor, and had gloves with hooks on the back on my hands. I felt I was climbing into a memory washing over me.
I heard sounds on my right, and saw Orashura there, her fur painted black and green, as was I, presumably for camouflage. I smiled, and she smiled back, and pointed with her ear. I looked over the edge onto loaded wagons at a camp, the whole party Elixen. There were trees above, a steep embankment below, and mountains in the distance. We looked down together. She said quietly "Look at them all. I can taste them from here." The appeared to be loading the wagons, breaking up camp. She looked up at me, asking me if I was all right. "I'm not sure," and she signaled me away from the edge. That question was odd, taking me away from my memory, and the sense of deja vu shattered because of it.
She asked me again what was wrong, and I said that time was folding. She said, "You've been talking to those death people. Smell!" I tried smelling, but couldn't smell anything unusual. She took off one of my gloves to try to hold my hand, and was shocked away, falling back with flames burning her hands. She started licking them, and they started healing. She asked me what that was, and I said I didn't know, though I was starting to have a much better idea...
We retreated from the edge, and she was swift. I was having a hard time; she came back to help me walk down the hill, propping me against a rock. I realized we were in the western Elix kingdom, and this must be before the other time I'd made contact with this former self: Sha is less adept, and we are not yet lovers. It also explains why she is so surprised, and was so much less so before: that was previous for me, but future for her. (Also, that time, I'd been traveling along with past-self, while it sounded like she came here wholly as well. This time I was fully there, not just a rider.)
I realized that the truth would be problematic, making me sound even more crazed, and there likely wasn't time anyway. So I lied and said that I was fighting a spirit. Sha asked if she could help, and I said no. She asked if she should go back? Yes. And get my companion? Yes. She bounded up and away on all fours.
Now that I was alone, I focused on trying to sync up with myself. There might be guards and such set by the spiritualists, so I was careful to avoid where they might be. I looked down, and tried to remember where I came up. I looked out, and sensed where I am. I felt like I was with myself, then panicked, with struggle, and blood, and felt hot, and something rushing, and then I was back in the spiral wood, beyond the Veil, lying on my side, my companions nearby.
I went back to the group, and Cor still wasn't back from scouting, while the others were still involved in whatever they were doing. I tried to think why, both the mechanics of how this had happened and why it had happened then, what I might have learned from that then, that I might need to know now, as I would have had it been a vision from the Father.
I told Thymelixsen about it, and he convinced me to try again with him, to try to go to the edge. We followed the track I'd made, and stopped at the end of it (which was just as flat as the rest of the forest, of course).
I started to think about going back, and saw a slender human woman with long blond hair, like the one Thymelixsen had described. She talked with me. She said that I hadn't finished tying myself together yet.
I asked about how I could reconcile the opposites of my life (blessed of the Mighty and the Healer being fairly opposite, after all), and she said that once one gets far enough away, it wouldn't seem like me after all. My not-me is just closer to me. My not-me can still be in my flesh. This flesh, that she has now, is new and different. Once I get far enough, I'll be her. (Which ties in with what Thymelixsen described, too.)
I asked her name, and she seemed amused, saying that most people never asked that, but giving the name Murr, for now.
Everything will fall together. At the edge, we can be whole, all together, and have access to everything. The me of now or the me of will be will come together. She did some looking through, almost reading.
She said, "There was a time when there was you. It was not a big time, but I found some I remembered. Once separate from that," (she poked me) "I'm easier to find."
I started to say, "If that is my path," and she laughed, saying that it was the path that I am on, that she dreamed, or remembered, it already, so that is not the choice, whether it is my path or not.
She told me that what had happened, the contact I'd had, was about winding in the thread of myself until it was all together, rather than leaving it spread out. Once I could see all of me at once, the thread all wound up and pulled out of time, it would be entertaining to see me. This seemed to be a different thread than the kind Thymelixsen is learning to use, in that it spreads out backward, a thread of my time before.
She said that she could feel the thread pulling over the edge, that this was a constant pull. There would be some time that she would go over the edge (she remembered or dreamed that already), and said that it wasn't the end, since she still remembered (or dreamed) that she felt a bit of her self afterward, after falling off the edge.
It was very confusing talking to her, with all the lack of time. She said something about me and Thymelixsen using the threads of May and Jack, which I didn't care for. And there was something about rolled threads versus unrolled threads.
At some point I think I asked why she was talking with me now, and she said that there was part of her, that was me, that told the now-her I needed to talk. Which got me thinking about how part of her might be a bit of rainbow, especially given how keen she was for everything all together in the ways the rainbows seem to have. The rainbow taint in me called to the rainbow whole of her, or the her that is most of everything, something like that. Which had me more distrustful, and wanting to be careful with my words.
She talked more about the whole of everything, and I asked about the role the bionlear played in all of this. She said that the bionlear was not caught up in this, that it stands apart. It cast shadows through the worlds; we'd think we were seeing the bionlear, but it would just be a shadow of the true bionlear. It is whole, and then there are all of us, separate from the bionlear's whole.
She also talked about how there was no need for time, with everything all together.
[I am so sure I have forgotten some of the conversation; it was so confusing and happened so quickly.]
I had to focus somehow to return to the others, when it was time for her to leave. I don't remember quite what I did, but found myself back with Thymelixsen, who appeared not to notice any lapse in time at all.
I told him that I'd seen the woman he'd seen before, rather than the two of us going back into the familiar (which I suspected wouldn't work, anyway: not only had it happened only when I had been functionally alone, it seemed unlikely that he could go back into my memories unless we'd met before. Which is possible, of course, but less likely. I'm not sure whether he would have known a blessed of the Mighty, and that seems to be the time I go back to now (though perhaps once I have integrated that, I would go to other times instead?)). My guess that the reason it has not happened to him is that he has gone into the trees fewer times.
He'd said before that she'd called herself an edgewalker, and we keep being warned about edgewalkers who would do us harm when at the edge. She doesn't talk about that (and presumably wouldn't want that, quite, if she is us), but if she is the rainbow-hole of me and Thymelixsen and others (like Jack saw a him-hole on the other side), then she's still after things I do not want to give. It feels like she wants me to remember these parts of myself, integrate them, and then become part of the all that is rainbow. (I wonder what would happen if I were to become one with the all before having all parts of myself? Not that I want to try the experiment...) Which makes me think I should resist remembering the past-me, as is proper. Except that perhaps the strength I had is something I'll need to find my way back to our root? I'm so confused.
Oh, also, I remember last time this touching the past happened, Tek Tek Turka scanned me afterward, and found I was noticeably more rainbow than before, which likely should have kept me from exploring this more. It ties in with Murr being of the rainbow persuasion, too. Which would suggest that this is not the path I want to find the edge in myself.
